I grew up in a family with high expectations of us. There was no praise, reward, or appreciation for achieving what was expected of us as kids. Perhaps it was a generational era where being humble and anonymous for our achievements was the norm, but I especially felt it in my family. We learn lessons from our parents about what works and what does not. As a mother, I made a special effort to reward my kids’ above-average performance and show “alarm” for the ones that were below average!

With today’s kids, I see situations, especially in sports, where every kid gets a trophy whether they win or not. What is the significance of awarding everyone? So how meaningful are trophies? Are we not giving the message that one gets a trophy no matter how they performed? Are we preparing our kids for life where failure occurs? Failure is a way to learn from our mistakes. Today’s psychologists consider failure to be a way to learn how to become successful. When we fail, we can try again with the knowledge of what not to do and to try something new that might work.

Rewards can be approached from the standpoint of appreciation. When was the last time you showed your appreciation for something that someone did for you and that you were grateful? Thanksgiving just passed. Did you acknowledge the person who cooked the meal? Did you write a note to thank him/her for their kindness? Verbally stating appreciation in everyday situations to show your gratitude can make the recipient feel valued for their actions.

Appreciation can set one’s mood for the day, a form of mindfulness. My daughter wakes up each morning and says, “What am I grateful  for  today?” She even mentions the little things in life, such as the beautiful sunrise. This starts off her day with a positive attitude.

I grew up in a generation where psychologist J.B. Watson believed that you should not hug or kiss your child, but if you must, kiss them on the cheek and be quick about it. My parents followed this approach to parenting, and I do not remember my parents or others saying that they loved their kids during this time. I asked a friend who also confirmed that there were no hugs in her family. I, however, make sure I say I love you to my children at the end of every telephone call and hug them when I see them. Saying and doing this makes me feel warm inside. However, I need to work on giving multiple hugs to others.

One of the statements I heard as a practicing clinical psychologist was when someone close died, the person wished they had said that they loved them. Life does not last forever. Express those positive feelings to others while they are here.