The “Let Them” approach challenges our long-held belief that helping others means taking control and managing their problems. We tend to do this especially when we feel excluded, frustrated, or afraid.

The “Let Them” approach encourages us to step back and accept what we cannot control (sounds like the Serenity Prayer). Stepping back and letting others take responsibility for both their actions and consequences frees them to grow and releases you from the stress of trying to control them. The popularity of this approach is easy to see why it resonates with so many; for now, you can focus on your boundaries and energy.

Take, for example, a husband who’s concerned about his wife’s drinking. He might try to help by hiding her alcohol or pouring it down the drain in front of her. But in doing so, he’s assuming control over her life. And the result? Often, she resents it.  Instead of encouraging change, this type of control tends to backfire—she may go out and buy more alcohol or find new hiding places for the alcohol.
If she ends up in jail for drunk driving, the instinct might be to bail her out immediately. But unless she’s in physical danger, it’s more beneficial to let her spend the night.

Rescuing her from the consequences of her actions only delays healing and prevents her from taking ownership. Making excuses or fixing her problems robs her of the opportunity to face the reality of her choices. True change only comes when she takes responsibility for her behavior.

This applies also to rationalizing why something must be our fault and we feel guilty. I ran into a friend I had not seen in years.  During this time, I tried to find a reason, such as what I did, to cause this separation. However, in meeting up with her, she said that time went by before she realized she had not spoken to me, and then she was too embarrassed to call me.

When I think about it now, our lives are different, and she has more responsibilities than I do. She is busy with a young child, whereas my children are grown. And I wasted all those years feeling guilty.

When you stop managing others and focus on your own life, you reclaim your energy and peace of mind. It’s a powerful shift. Your relationships also tend to improve—others can no longer blame you for their actions when you’re no longer trying to control them. You allow people to be who they are, and you stop surrendering your emotional well-being to them. And you let go of the guilt.

Eleanor Roosevelt’s saying, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” is timeless wisdom. As adults, our happiness, healing, relationships, boundaries, and success are our responsibility—and no one else’s and you do not have to take on that responsibility.